A bow-out or acceptance?

For the past few days, i experienced an outrageous swing of emotions.
That was probably the justification of my unusual frequent rattlings here.


Detecting deception has become my bread and butter.
To the extent that this ability integrates with my personal life.
Trust has been hard to sought after.
Perhaps being over-protective has made it even onerous.

Like a maze, i am trying to figure the way out.
What lies ahead is an enigma.
I hope to find that key to my lock but how do i be assured.
Does this spell a real relationship or a dream in disguise?

You gave me hope yet disappointment never fails to haunt me.
I am willing to devote but are you ready to embrace?

Souless

This looks harder than i thought.
Perhaps i really wanted a happy ending.

I know i will get over it, just a matter of time.
It's gonna be hard but i will persevere.
Blinded yet again only to put myself in a turmoil.
Do i yearn so much of a companionship? Maybe I do.
Or maybe i just wanted to fill the emptiness inside me.
Unbearable hurt, deep in the bottom. I could feel it right there.
Never should i put my expectations so high. Now that i had fall so hard.
Karma perhaps.

I've lost faith..
Nothing could be worse off.
I need time alone, away....

Shattered hearts

I thought it would not hurt so much anymore.
Seems like i was wrong afterall.

No matter what, it has been a great 2 months.
Though short but definitely memories to keep.
This is not the time and probably i am not the one as well.
Thanks anyway for everything.
Maybe tonight is the last time i get to see you.
I had never lied to you. This is the first and last time i made you upset.
It will not happen again as probably i would not get to see you again.
We are worlds apart and that is a fact. How long would it even last.
I never regret knowing you and would never. You made my heart burn again.
Thank you for helping me to find that lost feeling.
You may not get to see this but these are from the bottom of my heart.
And they will be buried there.

Good luck and goodbye..i will remember that smile of yours as it melt my heart
ever since.

I do love you,
and i will still miss you..

Do not forget

I don't want to one day look back in my life, and regret what i have not done.
The situation may be complicated but the feelings are true.
Somehow, it doesnt't matter what the end brings anymore.
Cherish the present and enjoy every moment of it.
Even if it is going to be an end, it is going to be a happy ending. At least that is what i hope for.
I am going to remember every moment and cherish these memories.
As long as she is happy, doesn't matter if she ends up with me or anyone else.

It's been a long time since i had this feeling.
Something i was searching for during my past failed 2 relationship.
Although this probably not going to end up well, at least it made me realise.
Realise what i really want, what was the lacking ingredient.
Whatever happens, she shall be someone i will not forget...

It has been a tiring past week.
Glad that i had a good rest physically and mentally during the weekends.
Somehow or rather, i can't help but thoughts just seem to flood in.

It does not feel good when things don't go your way.
Is it so hard to be truthful to each other?
Is it so hard to believe others?
I find it so hard...so hard for me

The only way out is make yourself believe.
Believe that miracles do happen.
Even if it doesn't, at least i tried..again..

I always had this belief.
Out of difficulties, makes miracles..

Heart rattlings

Life is a vicious cycle, isn't it?
What goes around comes around.

I feel myself entangled in a world of deceits, lies and pretence.
Sincerity and truthfulness doesn't meant anything anymore.
They are just tools used for deceiving and pretending.
I used to take these for granted yet now i have fallen victim of my own misdeeds.
Payback has come so fast.

Sometimes i wondered why was i bothered about all these crap.
I thought i could be non-chalant about everything.
But seems that it still matters a lot.
What you matter most tends to always hurt you the most as well.

I could hardly think logically, if there is any logic to it at all.
The worst feeling for me is i don't know what i'm feeling right now.
Or rather how should i feel.

I need a getaway.
Away from everything and by myself.
Probably this way would knock the sense out of me.

chase your dream

I seem to found my directions,
but who will be there to guide me, if there is any.
Am i fated to do everything alone?
i'm waiting for a sign..
a sign for me to go.
to go chase my dream.....

好久沒寫了.
工作的忙碌讓生活起了變化.
時間突然過得好快, 不知不覺又過了一天.
不僅僅時間少, 精力也變少.
雖這麼說, 我還是盡量得去珍惜每一刻.

最近好多思緒在我腦海中.
讓我覺得很矛盾, 不知所措.

正常生活裡的我顯得很隨和,
感情裡的我卻很難搞.
無法否認, 無庸置疑的.
慢慢的發現愛一個人真得好難.
對我而言, 似乎失去愛一個人的信心.
傷害最深卻也是愛我最深的人.
我的心像是被封閉著, 怎樣也打不開.
不喜歡痛苦的感覺,
更不喜歡看到因我而痛苦的人.

距離是個殘酷的問題.
我不想去面對, 卻不能不去面對.
不想不代表它不存在.
想了卻不知怎麼解決.

現實就是這麼得殘酷.
很多人都選擇了逃避.
好不喜歡走一步算一步的感覺.
總覺得人生應該有規畫.
有規畫才會有未來.
我希望能把握現在,
更希望能有未來.

Starting all over again

Time really flies.
The date on my last post reflects the reality of this saying.
It has been almost 2 months. Life certainly has changed.
Better. Or rather more satisfactory.
Definitely the place i want to be in. Finally putting into what i learn into my line of duty.
Stress are inevitable. It justs depends on how you would handle.
Thinking process becomes an everyday work. Gone are the days of spoon-feedings.
You are required to take more initiative and make difficult decisions.
I may not wish to stay in the organisation for long but i believe this is the place where i would be able to take something with me when i leave.

For once in 6 years of my life in this organisation, I can finally say I am enjoying what I am doing now.
=========

Out of MINDEF

5th March 2010 marks the end of my MINDEF tour.
It has been a long 5 years serving the Ministry.
Finally, i get to do what i wanted most when i put my name on that dotted line.
I'm giving a comfortable life for a stressed and challenging job.
But i guess the latter is much more fufilling.
I don't know how long i would stay in this line, perhaps just buying time.
At least before i leave, i get to learn something different.

What the future holds depends on us.
You don't plan for your future, there will be none.