Decision

It seems that i had made a decision.
Am i so confident to leave to seek for a different life?
How much can i afford to lose?
What are you going to do?

So many people had asked me when they learnt about my decision.
But yet, i could not answer any of them confidently.
Yes, i want to leave.
But what are i going to do?
Striking out on my own had been my goal for the past 2 years.
Now is the time, i suppose.
2 more years and i am going to turn 30.
Of course 30 for a man is still young.
However, if i can start out early, why not.
I seriously had enough of civil service and it's management.
Does anyone ever recognize you for what you work or how much you work?
So what if you are recognized? You don't promote faster and you won't get a pay raise.
That is the reality of government servvice.
Only the best bootlickers survive in.

As much as i understand how much the organization dotes on us, one significant thing does not change - the management.
Unfortunately to say, there is a limit on how far you can go.
Partly the reason is also that i want to experience more of life and not closing the doors to the outside world.
As long you don't step out of the door, you will not know how the world looks like.
It is time for me to take that big leap.
I would take that chance, whether fail or success.
At least i tried and have no regrets..that is the most important in life.

Is there a future?

What would you do if you can see the future?
Do you embrace it or would you attempt to change?
If you know you are going to die tomorrow, what would you have done?

Probably knowing the future may not be a good thing afterall.
Looking around, i know for sure, this is not the life i wanted.
Not that i do not have the quality to stay but the management is the main reason i will not.
It was never difficult to survive in this field.
I just do not understand how some could not.
Perhaps, this is the catalyst for me to leave.
At least i am thinking for myself now. Thinking about what i want in life.

All these events, be it concidence or accidental, has made me a stronger person and a private person whom i had always been.
I would be kidding myself for saying i do not feel lonely.
Loneliness has become part of me.
The blessing in disguise is that i have no burdens of any sort.
I am envious of the people around me.
No doubt about it, i feel alone in this world despite with so many friends who showed their care for me.
For sure, they will not be here forever, they have their lives to live.
I am not being sceptical. Who knows, i would have been dead without anyone knowing.
That is how i perceive the insignificance of myself.
Should i still condone myself in the well or it is time to move out of my comfort zone and embrace life?

Forward is the only way out.
There is no turning back.
Maybe i would one day read this and glad that i had made the move.

Regret

What is life worth living for?
Working for most of your life just to succumb to illness in the end?
Only then most of us will realise that there are so many unfinished business.
So many things that we have missed and we have not done.
We had been victims of life's unpredictabilities and uncertainties, but is there any way of halting any onslaught?
The answer is obvious.
In the eyes of fate, we are merely audience.
There is nothing we can do to change the outcome of the events.
But there are things that we can do.
That is, to make our lives worthwhile.
Frankly speaking, not everybody can live with this ideology.
Or rather, it is of different perceptive for everyone.

Some people are content with their lives as it is.
Having a family and living within means.
Yes, i am not content with what i have now.
Anyone would have been.
Owning a house, have a stable job and would probably own a car if i had wanted to.
Somehow, i felt incomplete.
Perhaps i wanted to do more, to see more, to experience more.
Life is short and I want to make the best out of it.
I cannot imagine having another regret.

I had never forgotten about it.
It still lingers in me and realise it still affect me greatly.
Especially when similar events happening around me.
Flashes of memories became a reminder.
I could have done so much more, say so much more.
She could hardly breathe, let alone see me.
But she still call out to me, for the last time.
It was the last goodbye...

A good 9 years has gone by.
Yet i had not accomplish anything significant.
Time was spent wilfully when it could have been used wisely.
Quarter of century had passed but still figuring out what i want in life.
I felt so lost in life now, emotionally and mentally.

I am not enjoying any bit of it now...

truth or lie?

We are living in a world of lies, no doubt about it.
I assume everyone knows and nobody does not lie.
But why do some of us get affected by such lies so much?
When has lies become so powerful that it not merely affects our state of mind but our lives as well?
When did telling lies become so logical and natural?

Truth is not merely a word now.
Telling the truth seems to be so perplexing.
Some of us just hope for the truth to be spoken even if it hurts.
For what you know, finding out the truth yourself hurts even more.

There is a boundary to that as far as i am concerned.
That one should never lie about feelings or relationship.
If you have no feelings or you already have a relationship, I see no rationale in hiding it.
Be forthcoming and be fair to everybody.
Mending a broken heart is never a walk in the park.
I sincerely still believe that there is a convincing reason.
My ears are wide open for you to feed me the truth.

A bow-out or acceptance?

For the past few days, i experienced an outrageous swing of emotions.
That was probably the justification of my unusual frequent rattlings here.


Detecting deception has become my bread and butter.
To the extent that this ability integrates with my personal life.
Trust has been hard to sought after.
Perhaps being over-protective has made it even onerous.

Like a maze, i am trying to figure the way out.
What lies ahead is an enigma.
I hope to find that key to my lock but how do i be assured.
Does this spell a real relationship or a dream in disguise?

You gave me hope yet disappointment never fails to haunt me.
I am willing to devote but are you ready to embrace?

Souless

This looks harder than i thought.
Perhaps i really wanted a happy ending.

I know i will get over it, just a matter of time.
It's gonna be hard but i will persevere.
Blinded yet again only to put myself in a turmoil.
Do i yearn so much of a companionship? Maybe I do.
Or maybe i just wanted to fill the emptiness inside me.
Unbearable hurt, deep in the bottom. I could feel it right there.
Never should i put my expectations so high. Now that i had fall so hard.
Karma perhaps.

I've lost faith..
Nothing could be worse off.
I need time alone, away....

Shattered hearts

I thought it would not hurt so much anymore.
Seems like i was wrong afterall.

No matter what, it has been a great 2 months.
Though short but definitely memories to keep.
This is not the time and probably i am not the one as well.
Thanks anyway for everything.
Maybe tonight is the last time i get to see you.
I had never lied to you. This is the first and last time i made you upset.
It will not happen again as probably i would not get to see you again.
We are worlds apart and that is a fact. How long would it even last.
I never regret knowing you and would never. You made my heart burn again.
Thank you for helping me to find that lost feeling.
You may not get to see this but these are from the bottom of my heart.
And they will be buried there.

Good luck and goodbye..i will remember that smile of yours as it melt my heart
ever since.

I do love you,
and i will still miss you..

Do not forget

I don't want to one day look back in my life, and regret what i have not done.
The situation may be complicated but the feelings are true.
Somehow, it doesnt't matter what the end brings anymore.
Cherish the present and enjoy every moment of it.
Even if it is going to be an end, it is going to be a happy ending. At least that is what i hope for.
I am going to remember every moment and cherish these memories.
As long as she is happy, doesn't matter if she ends up with me or anyone else.

It's been a long time since i had this feeling.
Something i was searching for during my past failed 2 relationship.
Although this probably not going to end up well, at least it made me realise.
Realise what i really want, what was the lacking ingredient.
Whatever happens, she shall be someone i will not forget...

It has been a tiring past week.
Glad that i had a good rest physically and mentally during the weekends.
Somehow or rather, i can't help but thoughts just seem to flood in.

It does not feel good when things don't go your way.
Is it so hard to be truthful to each other?
Is it so hard to believe others?
I find it so hard...so hard for me

The only way out is make yourself believe.
Believe that miracles do happen.
Even if it doesn't, at least i tried..again..

I always had this belief.
Out of difficulties, makes miracles..

Heart rattlings

Life is a vicious cycle, isn't it?
What goes around comes around.

I feel myself entangled in a world of deceits, lies and pretence.
Sincerity and truthfulness doesn't meant anything anymore.
They are just tools used for deceiving and pretending.
I used to take these for granted yet now i have fallen victim of my own misdeeds.
Payback has come so fast.

Sometimes i wondered why was i bothered about all these crap.
I thought i could be non-chalant about everything.
But seems that it still matters a lot.
What you matter most tends to always hurt you the most as well.

I could hardly think logically, if there is any logic to it at all.
The worst feeling for me is i don't know what i'm feeling right now.
Or rather how should i feel.

I need a getaway.
Away from everything and by myself.
Probably this way would knock the sense out of me.