Welcoming year 2011?

Year 2010 is coming to an end.
Alarming to realise how fast time flies past.
The day of reckoning approached.
Will year 2011 be any different?
I set my sight on leaving but i want to leave with my head held high.
Being in green for the next 20,30 years is just unthinkable.
Life is short and I ain't gonna waste my life in there, working my ass out yet nobody care.
What can they give in return?
Or do they actually appreciate what you have done for the organisation?
This will be a undeniable fact, no one is indispensible.
The only comfort you get is the green you receive every month.
How to work under such leadership?
It may be a moment of rashness.
However, thanks to this rashness, it made me found what i want in my life.
Not a mediocre soldier, nor a punching bag.

The time is near and I can't wait for it...

Looking ahead

As year 2010 comes to the end, a new beginning seems to be beckoning.
I'm both excited and worried about what 2011 will bring.
Although the decision has been made, but no real actions had been done.
No doubt there are many plans in mind, choosing one is not easy.
A noob in business does not help much.
There are so much things to find out, to be planned.
Starting a business is seriously no easy feat, especially when you are alone.
However, that will not stop me.
Building my own empire has always been my dream and it is unbelievable that i am coming so close to realising.
For once, i hope time could move slightly faster.
I like what i am doing now and i felt a great job satisfaction when completing a case.
But this won't take me far, not with this management.
Even if it does, i simply don't see myself in uniform for the rest of my life.

Everything in my life seems to start out slow.
Whether my life, career, anything under the sun. I am a slow starter.
But i always believe in one thing, it does not matter when you start but how you end.
Regardless of what happens in the future, i will not regret for the decision i make.
Frankly speaking, i am looking forward to that day when i leave the SAF head held high.
I may feel reluctant to leave my current team as we had build such a bond despite my short time there.
I had learn a lot, be it in work or life. The only way to bring everybody together is to be transparent to each other. I hope one day, the management could understand.

Decision

It seems that i had made a decision.
Am i so confident to leave to seek for a different life?
How much can i afford to lose?
What are you going to do?

So many people had asked me when they learnt about my decision.
But yet, i could not answer any of them confidently.
Yes, i want to leave.
But what are i going to do?
Striking out on my own had been my goal for the past 2 years.
Now is the time, i suppose.
2 more years and i am going to turn 30.
Of course 30 for a man is still young.
However, if i can start out early, why not.
I seriously had enough of civil service and it's management.
Does anyone ever recognize you for what you work or how much you work?
So what if you are recognized? You don't promote faster and you won't get a pay raise.
That is the reality of government servvice.
Only the best bootlickers survive in.

As much as i understand how much the organization dotes on us, one significant thing does not change - the management.
Unfortunately to say, there is a limit on how far you can go.
Partly the reason is also that i want to experience more of life and not closing the doors to the outside world.
As long you don't step out of the door, you will not know how the world looks like.
It is time for me to take that big leap.
I would take that chance, whether fail or success.
At least i tried and have no regrets..that is the most important in life.

Is there a future?

What would you do if you can see the future?
Do you embrace it or would you attempt to change?
If you know you are going to die tomorrow, what would you have done?

Probably knowing the future may not be a good thing afterall.
Looking around, i know for sure, this is not the life i wanted.
Not that i do not have the quality to stay but the management is the main reason i will not.
It was never difficult to survive in this field.
I just do not understand how some could not.
Perhaps, this is the catalyst for me to leave.
At least i am thinking for myself now. Thinking about what i want in life.

All these events, be it concidence or accidental, has made me a stronger person and a private person whom i had always been.
I would be kidding myself for saying i do not feel lonely.
Loneliness has become part of me.
The blessing in disguise is that i have no burdens of any sort.
I am envious of the people around me.
No doubt about it, i feel alone in this world despite with so many friends who showed their care for me.
For sure, they will not be here forever, they have their lives to live.
I am not being sceptical. Who knows, i would have been dead without anyone knowing.
That is how i perceive the insignificance of myself.
Should i still condone myself in the well or it is time to move out of my comfort zone and embrace life?

Forward is the only way out.
There is no turning back.
Maybe i would one day read this and glad that i had made the move.

Regret

What is life worth living for?
Working for most of your life just to succumb to illness in the end?
Only then most of us will realise that there are so many unfinished business.
So many things that we have missed and we have not done.
We had been victims of life's unpredictabilities and uncertainties, but is there any way of halting any onslaught?
The answer is obvious.
In the eyes of fate, we are merely audience.
There is nothing we can do to change the outcome of the events.
But there are things that we can do.
That is, to make our lives worthwhile.
Frankly speaking, not everybody can live with this ideology.
Or rather, it is of different perceptive for everyone.

Some people are content with their lives as it is.
Having a family and living within means.
Yes, i am not content with what i have now.
Anyone would have been.
Owning a house, have a stable job and would probably own a car if i had wanted to.
Somehow, i felt incomplete.
Perhaps i wanted to do more, to see more, to experience more.
Life is short and I want to make the best out of it.
I cannot imagine having another regret.

I had never forgotten about it.
It still lingers in me and realise it still affect me greatly.
Especially when similar events happening around me.
Flashes of memories became a reminder.
I could have done so much more, say so much more.
She could hardly breathe, let alone see me.
But she still call out to me, for the last time.
It was the last goodbye...

A good 9 years has gone by.
Yet i had not accomplish anything significant.
Time was spent wilfully when it could have been used wisely.
Quarter of century had passed but still figuring out what i want in life.
I felt so lost in life now, emotionally and mentally.

I am not enjoying any bit of it now...

truth or lie?

We are living in a world of lies, no doubt about it.
I assume everyone knows and nobody does not lie.
But why do some of us get affected by such lies so much?
When has lies become so powerful that it not merely affects our state of mind but our lives as well?
When did telling lies become so logical and natural?

Truth is not merely a word now.
Telling the truth seems to be so perplexing.
Some of us just hope for the truth to be spoken even if it hurts.
For what you know, finding out the truth yourself hurts even more.

There is a boundary to that as far as i am concerned.
That one should never lie about feelings or relationship.
If you have no feelings or you already have a relationship, I see no rationale in hiding it.
Be forthcoming and be fair to everybody.
Mending a broken heart is never a walk in the park.
I sincerely still believe that there is a convincing reason.
My ears are wide open for you to feed me the truth.

A bow-out or acceptance?

For the past few days, i experienced an outrageous swing of emotions.
That was probably the justification of my unusual frequent rattlings here.


Detecting deception has become my bread and butter.
To the extent that this ability integrates with my personal life.
Trust has been hard to sought after.
Perhaps being over-protective has made it even onerous.

Like a maze, i am trying to figure the way out.
What lies ahead is an enigma.
I hope to find that key to my lock but how do i be assured.
Does this spell a real relationship or a dream in disguise?

You gave me hope yet disappointment never fails to haunt me.
I am willing to devote but are you ready to embrace?

Souless

This looks harder than i thought.
Perhaps i really wanted a happy ending.

I know i will get over it, just a matter of time.
It's gonna be hard but i will persevere.
Blinded yet again only to put myself in a turmoil.
Do i yearn so much of a companionship? Maybe I do.
Or maybe i just wanted to fill the emptiness inside me.
Unbearable hurt, deep in the bottom. I could feel it right there.
Never should i put my expectations so high. Now that i had fall so hard.
Karma perhaps.

I've lost faith..
Nothing could be worse off.
I need time alone, away....

Shattered hearts

I thought it would not hurt so much anymore.
Seems like i was wrong afterall.

No matter what, it has been a great 2 months.
Though short but definitely memories to keep.
This is not the time and probably i am not the one as well.
Thanks anyway for everything.
Maybe tonight is the last time i get to see you.
I had never lied to you. This is the first and last time i made you upset.
It will not happen again as probably i would not get to see you again.
We are worlds apart and that is a fact. How long would it even last.
I never regret knowing you and would never. You made my heart burn again.
Thank you for helping me to find that lost feeling.
You may not get to see this but these are from the bottom of my heart.
And they will be buried there.

Good luck and goodbye..i will remember that smile of yours as it melt my heart
ever since.

I do love you,
and i will still miss you..

Do not forget

I don't want to one day look back in my life, and regret what i have not done.
The situation may be complicated but the feelings are true.
Somehow, it doesnt't matter what the end brings anymore.
Cherish the present and enjoy every moment of it.
Even if it is going to be an end, it is going to be a happy ending. At least that is what i hope for.
I am going to remember every moment and cherish these memories.
As long as she is happy, doesn't matter if she ends up with me or anyone else.

It's been a long time since i had this feeling.
Something i was searching for during my past failed 2 relationship.
Although this probably not going to end up well, at least it made me realise.
Realise what i really want, what was the lacking ingredient.
Whatever happens, she shall be someone i will not forget...

It has been a tiring past week.
Glad that i had a good rest physically and mentally during the weekends.
Somehow or rather, i can't help but thoughts just seem to flood in.

It does not feel good when things don't go your way.
Is it so hard to be truthful to each other?
Is it so hard to believe others?
I find it so hard...so hard for me

The only way out is make yourself believe.
Believe that miracles do happen.
Even if it doesn't, at least i tried..again..

I always had this belief.
Out of difficulties, makes miracles..

Heart rattlings

Life is a vicious cycle, isn't it?
What goes around comes around.

I feel myself entangled in a world of deceits, lies and pretence.
Sincerity and truthfulness doesn't meant anything anymore.
They are just tools used for deceiving and pretending.
I used to take these for granted yet now i have fallen victim of my own misdeeds.
Payback has come so fast.

Sometimes i wondered why was i bothered about all these crap.
I thought i could be non-chalant about everything.
But seems that it still matters a lot.
What you matter most tends to always hurt you the most as well.

I could hardly think logically, if there is any logic to it at all.
The worst feeling for me is i don't know what i'm feeling right now.
Or rather how should i feel.

I need a getaway.
Away from everything and by myself.
Probably this way would knock the sense out of me.

chase your dream

I seem to found my directions,
but who will be there to guide me, if there is any.
Am i fated to do everything alone?
i'm waiting for a sign..
a sign for me to go.
to go chase my dream.....

好久沒寫了.
工作的忙碌讓生活起了變化.
時間突然過得好快, 不知不覺又過了一天.
不僅僅時間少, 精力也變少.
雖這麼說, 我還是盡量得去珍惜每一刻.

最近好多思緒在我腦海中.
讓我覺得很矛盾, 不知所措.

正常生活裡的我顯得很隨和,
感情裡的我卻很難搞.
無法否認, 無庸置疑的.
慢慢的發現愛一個人真得好難.
對我而言, 似乎失去愛一個人的信心.
傷害最深卻也是愛我最深的人.
我的心像是被封閉著, 怎樣也打不開.
不喜歡痛苦的感覺,
更不喜歡看到因我而痛苦的人.

距離是個殘酷的問題.
我不想去面對, 卻不能不去面對.
不想不代表它不存在.
想了卻不知怎麼解決.

現實就是這麼得殘酷.
很多人都選擇了逃避.
好不喜歡走一步算一步的感覺.
總覺得人生應該有規畫.
有規畫才會有未來.
我希望能把握現在,
更希望能有未來.

Starting all over again

Time really flies.
The date on my last post reflects the reality of this saying.
It has been almost 2 months. Life certainly has changed.
Better. Or rather more satisfactory.
Definitely the place i want to be in. Finally putting into what i learn into my line of duty.
Stress are inevitable. It justs depends on how you would handle.
Thinking process becomes an everyday work. Gone are the days of spoon-feedings.
You are required to take more initiative and make difficult decisions.
I may not wish to stay in the organisation for long but i believe this is the place where i would be able to take something with me when i leave.

For once in 6 years of my life in this organisation, I can finally say I am enjoying what I am doing now.
=========

Out of MINDEF

5th March 2010 marks the end of my MINDEF tour.
It has been a long 5 years serving the Ministry.
Finally, i get to do what i wanted most when i put my name on that dotted line.
I'm giving a comfortable life for a stressed and challenging job.
But i guess the latter is much more fufilling.
I don't know how long i would stay in this line, perhaps just buying time.
At least before i leave, i get to learn something different.

What the future holds depends on us.
You don't plan for your future, there will be none.

你快樂嗎

兩人在一起的世界
有時連自己都不了解.
分隔兩地,
需要的是那麼多的信任跟體諒.

在一起的時刻總是那麼短暫卻又這麼可貴.
為什麼每次都得鬧僵.
說好的珍惜呢?
是你的錯? 還是我的錯?
時不時都環繞這問題.
難道我們之間只能以這種方式溝通嗎.

有時真的覺得好累.
看到這樣的你也很心疼.
讓我也開始懷疑了自己.
你真的覺得快樂嗎?

我了解自己嗎

昨天去批了名.
我知道很多人一定很驚訝為什麼我會去.
認識我的人都知道我不信什麼算命師這類的.
或許我覺得有點徬徨吧.
對人生, 對自己.
感覺開始不了解自己, 到底要的是什麼.
可能我需要的是一點肯定, 一點鼓勵.
我真的不想就這樣過完我一生.
內心深處真的覺得有點無助.
我好想為自己做點事卻又不知從何做起.

說到這批名師,
真的是句句刺中我心.
沒想到從名字能看得出一個人的格性.
說到我固執啦, 很直接的一個人.
喜歡或不喜歡都很直接得表現出來.
雖說他不是算命師, 但優缺點都被他一一點中.
想到都覺得有點不可思議.
我的人生真的是過得比人慢.
要過30才會比較好.
也不知道是好事還是壞事.
反正都快30了也沒差那兩年.

可能現在我已更了解自己要的是什麼吧.
心中的徬徨也少了點.
只能希望我想的都能做到.


人只能活一次
想做就去做

從新出發?

新的一年的開始.
感覺上自己又老了一歲, 卻好像一點成就也沒有.
有點可悲~

回顧去年的點點滴滴, 似乎發生了不少事.
生活起了小變化, 也嚐試了不少沒做過的事.
這些小變化讓我覺得挺開心, 雖然有點辛苦.
但是, 生活上總是覺得空虛.
或許我並不喜歡現狀吧.
總覺得在浪費人生.
人生不過如此, 短短幾十年.
也許是時候踏出那一步, 去感受人生.

我不在的這幾天好像發生了很多事.
而這些事讓我質問自己, 到底為了什麼而活?
為了錢?
為了理想?
為了愛?
為了生活?
不知為了什麼而活, 人生就變得沒意義.

我還沒失去人生的意義, 但已沒了工作的源動力.
慢慢的發現這不是我想要的工作,
這不是我想要的生活.

新的一年,
盼望著新的開始,
盼望著新的動力,
更盼望著新的生活.